Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
