I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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