Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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