Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
