Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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