Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
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