Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Randomize
