if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
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