I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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