I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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