plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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