its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Fuck appropriateness.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Randomize
