He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
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