If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
