I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
