did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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