I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Randomize
