the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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