ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
