My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
