I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
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