This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
