When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Randomize
