there's paper in my vomit.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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