he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
