Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
