To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
She told me I should be a condom model.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
