is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
