remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
