I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Randomize
