We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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