You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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