i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
