Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
