Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
