No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
