the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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