Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
