I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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