he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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