Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
