who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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