so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
