Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
