You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
