P.S. I can't hear my feet
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
