My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
