the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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