I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
