For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
